Chat With Rhonda

November 2008

This months chat with Rhonda is on the subject of “Marriage/Partnerships that are Affected by Children With Attachment Issues.” When a child is born into a marriage or partnership that has significant physical or mental disabilities, this puts the marriage/partnership at significant risk of dissolving.

There has been significant research done on this issue and depending on which article you read the percentages are different, but all the articles agree on one thing: Children with disabilities increase the chance of the relationship or the parents failing and ending in separation or divorce.

There has been less research done on specific families that foster/adopt children with attachment issues. However the observation and correlation of the stresses are very similar. So it is only probable the couples who choose to give a child a chance at a family needs to be prepared to work hard at keeping their relationship healthy too. Children with attachment issues are typically masters at manipulation and dividing and conquering. Typically they perceive the father figure at the top of the power and control ladder and they want to climb that ladder as high as possible. They will typically work very hard at being very superficially charming and engaging to the father figure all the while sabotaging the mother figure and working on causing conflict between the two.

The couple must always present a united front to the child with attachment issues. If they can see or sense a crack in the spouses strength together they will work harder to divide and conquer. If questions arise or disagreements come about parenting of the child it is my recommendation that after the child is put to bed the two go to the car parked in the driveway and discuss the issue and resolve the difference. The reason why I suggest the car is that these children are extremely hypervigilant and will overhear stuff said in the house that they do not need to hear or even for that matter know. Typically the father figure will not receive the day to day disrespect that the mother figure receives until about 6-12 months into the relationship. So the father figure needs to be trusting in the spouses assessment of the situation when they are not present.

These children are very good actors when “dad” is around. Fathers need to set very clear boundaries with these children, especially daughters. Most children with attachment issues have been in some way sexually exploited. So there is an increase in the possibility of them attempting to gain control of the father figure by overt and covert sexual seduction or false allegations. Couples need to set aside date night or at least one weekend a month to spend together as just a couple to help keep the relationship healthy and strong. If there are unresolved issues from the past of either partner, they will need to be addressed as quickly as possible as this child will quickly find the buttons that have not been dealt with and then stand in front of you and keep pushing them all day long.

My concern is if the relationship does not stay healthy and together, what chance does this child have in attaching to a healthy family system. I have been involved in several situations where the marriage did not survive the addition of the RAD child to the family system which resulted in custody battles not in who gets the child but who has to take them. Then there are yet even more victims made because of this disorder.