Chat With Rhonda
February 2010
Happy Valentine's Day! Well with February being the month at least in the
We start to understand when and how this disorder occurs and begin to understand the complexity of the issue of Love and the attachment child. Remember that this disorder occurs somewhere between conception and the first three to five years of life. So what causes this disorder? Multitude of different traumas, neglects, and abuse. Some of these can be done to the child with malice and intent by the caregivers. Others may occur without the malice and intent from insensitive or ineffective care. We also need to understand that during this time the child is mostly preverbal or only starting to develop verbal skills so they are unable to talk about the abuse or process it to try to make sense from it.
This same time frame of the child’s life is when the brain is developing and learning and wiring itself for the way it will perceive life from then on. So this child is living in a world that to them appears hostile, chaotic, volatile, and they have no way to talk about it. Also their own bodies developed the hypervigilance of fight or flee. For these reasons and even deeper physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual reasons that I do not have the time or space to discuss today, these children developed a profound fear of relationships and LOVE.
This holiday as with many others brings up a significant amount of fear and anxiety about love, relationships and where you fit in the scheme of life. For those individuals who truly believe that the world is an evil place in need of control and that they are unlovable, Valentines Day brings an increase in fear and acting out. Often individuals who suffer from attachment issues will sabotage this holiday to avoid having to participate in school or family activities. Just think what these individuals must be going through as the decorations go up and excitement increases about the holiday. You have the core belief that you are and will always be so flawed that no one could ever truly love you. This holiday would cause such stress on that person who lives with the fear that their belief about themselves will be proven by no one giving them valentines at school or that they may be made fun of. Worst of all is if someone does show you the appropriate attention for this holiday what does this mean? These kids have been hurt so badly when they were the most vulnerable by those who were suppose to love them. Having love given to them can be more frightening than living without love.
For all those who work with and live with someone who suffers from this disorder, learning to recognize the triggers and assisting the person to learn improved coping skills for them is essential. Families may want to surprise the child with Valentines Day on the 10th instead of the 14th. This may alleviate them from sabotaging the moment. This then begins to demonstrate to the child that love does not always hurt and or cause pain. As a caregiver we must not set such high expectations for these children that they are not able to be successful on this or any other holiday.
Let’s all remember or at least try to remember those individuals who have developed attachment issues or RAD. Love was so abusive or neglectful that it was the only way the person could survive. I want to take this opportunity to say to all those individuals who are involved with a person with attachment issues a VERY HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!! For those of us who have been blessed with being a part of a person’s life that suffers from attachment issues it is one of the greatest gifts. Very few people will truly appreciate the depth of the love we have for that person. I truly believe that St. Valentine would be proud of those who do love to that degree and bless each and every one of you.
For more on this issue see my book or
CD’s which you may purchase from this site.
